Goodbye and Ambien

I'm on ambien, ready to kick in any minute, so this will have to be short.

Basically, I decided to move on with my life. AC will always be there, plotting, but ya know what? Who gives a crap? The main thing was to cut the lines..... which I did by simply not talking about myself, but then that didn't work, and then I tried just talking less and that didn't work and then I didn't post any serious stuff whih didn't work and then I stopped all contact with Vange and that didn't work and then it hit me..... that I no longer cared cause they'll never end cause frankly, I'm the most interesting thing for them to discuss anyways. But......

The part I had never planned on did happen. Final farewell to Sam. I love her.... I'll miss her.... I'll remember.... but there are some things that simply must get done and life is at a standstill until you do it.

I am eternally greatful for those who helped me through this.

Up up and away

It's 5 am. Nope, never went to bed. Thought about it. Just wasn't tired. Can't see straight, but I'm not tired. Got a migraine..... what is it...... 4? 6 days running? I don't really know anymore. Sunday night..... dreamt all night about my parents getting divorced. Monday night..... dreamt all night about my family leaving me. No. That's not why I'm awake. I'm just awake. Sometimes I get tired of sleeping. "Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? A little too ironic, and yeah I really do think...."
My jaw kinda clenchs on it's own. F..... forgot my meds..... let's see..... which lucky drink will it be from..... only.... heh...... 6 hours late.
But like..... I won't even notice and all of a sudden my jaw hurts. Started last night actually.
Tomorrow I'll take ambien again. About time I get some sleep. Maybe I ought to take some xanax..... haven't had that for like.... week and a half I think. It's my dad's day off..... today..... suck.

I'm tired..... but not physically..... more emotionally.... like, I can feel it in my eyes.... but that could be the migraine. Can't really distinguish each...... I'm just gonna trail off there. That's enough.

Been a while

Bahhh....... know what? Life as we know it is dull. What's the point? I'm truly curious. It's a test, eh? That's what I'm taught in Sunday school. Well..... I personally don't feel too badly about failing tests, such as the one I failed in math. Ha..... 33. Nice, eh?

I'm so sick of talk of 'love.' It just pisses me off. It's so retarded. I maintain the view that we only love the idea we have of an individual, not they themselves.

I've decided I'm not getting married. I don't want kids. I don't do well with a dog peeing on me, so how am I gonna handle a kid peeing on me? So..... that's my stance. No marraige, no kids, hopefully die early. Drop the whole religious thing. Cause I don't really care anymore. The illness of depression has gotten to me I suppose. No hope, no caring. I don't really care whether I live or die. I figure.... whatever happens, happens. Eternity in the Telestial Kingdom? Meh.... I'd be miserable either way. Always just here, so..... meh, it'll supposedly be better than life on earth. No faith in self.


Anywho, I suppose I'll go eat now since all I've had today was graham crackers.

Ambienephic

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM!MM!M!M!M!M!M!M!!!!!!!!!! The M wins the race. Emaiil. Emaill.... remind to email. Email Ris to mail me and mail my dear sweet Sam. Email... Email.........

I have a thought. A thought that could develop into something and I'd acturally work on int y09ur kmnow in stead of thinkign and then moving on actually carry it out......

::::What happens when all the fear grabs hold at once? There's a darkness.... that feeling you get when you've just watched a scary movie and you keep expecting something to jump on your back..... it's the fear when that thing does jump on your back. When nightmares become truth. When the monsters inside your head come alive.

And the worst part is.... you gave them life.


Story idea forming?::::::::::::

I really like that. Just like.... two pages, two would be it. Just talking about that freawt thtadfs overwhelming fear and thie power surging thorugh me...... this power, this peower I should not possess and I possess it it is in me, I have a type of strenght, bu there need be any strength for things crusch at my touch.... they melt at the touch, they .......


HOORAY FOR AMBIEN AND POWERLIKE FEELING


Shelly.... the daer Shelly...... aought to go go go tto bed. Might to wissely. Godddodoooooooooooodddddddd to go to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.eeeeee ee.eeeeeeeee.eeeeeee.e.ee...e.e.e.e.e. e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e..e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. e..e.e.e..e.e.e.e.e..e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e..ee..e.e.ee..e.ee.e .e.e.e.e..ew.eedddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddd dddddddd

Bed, that despondant plague among plagues of filthy tulip beds!
So I'm going to try to write up more on the story idea

a single person holds that power. Not everyone. Just them. There's this..... unlleashing at night..... he tries to protect the world but he cant keep it in for forever, it has to come out, and it comes out at night, it just filterest the streests and the crime soars. His own pwowers are growing too strong for himself. this world must be killed. He must be killed. But few if any would ever willingly die to save mankind. Not when there's still the change. THANK YOU AMBIEN!~!!!!

Raving Mad

I just..... I can't stand it. I freakin can't stand it. What, you may ask? Heh.... how bout.... ugh.....

Screw it.

Freakin screw it. I'm sooo tired of all this crap. Won't they just SHUT UP?!?!?! And ya know.... I HATE it when people take EVERYTHING personally. I freakin hate it. I can't stand being around people like that. I mean... FREAKIN get a clue. HOW SELF INVOLVED DO YOU HAVE TO BE?!?!?!?

GRRRRR.... heh..... I sound like a freakin moron.

It's funny to think this day started out so great.

And ya know.... I'm sick of people saying that I'm not crazy.... cause I am. Simple as that. I've accepted it. Why can't they? I am. I lose sight of reality quite often... I think that's insanity, don't you? *cynical grin*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I just need to scream, but no, I can't scream, cause I'm peaceful Shelly, YEAH that's who I am, that's FREAKIN WHAT THEY MADE ME INTO. he he he he..... hooo.... HOORAY!!! I'm the good one. Remember? I'm the good one. I'm the quiet one that doesn't make any trouble. Troubles bad, but I'm not bad, I'm good, I'm good, I'm freakin evil.

heh.... yup.... yup.... pretty screwed up today..... pretty screwed..... up, that is..... heh...... even my humor sucks.

So...... I suppose I'll shut up, huh? Cause that's what they want me to do. No talk about problems... cause there aren't any, right? There aren't any problems, everything is perfect. Ha. Even I can see that there are problems. So screw it.



Just.... screw it.

I'm Awesome!!!

He he... I just wanted to state that I haven't even missed ONE dose of meds since they were prescribed. GO ME!!!!

Absolutely beautiful. And I'm starting to get a control over some of my obsessive thoughts. So... at the moment at least.... I ROCK!!!!

Hooray!!!!

Nothin like wakin up with a migraine!

Lol.... but the best part is that my hands are like... natural ice packs..... cause of crappy circulation, so whenever I need an extra bit, I just pause and put my hand on my head where it hurts. I hate tension migraines so much. Heck yeah!!!!

I can touch my tounsils. My mom was stunned by that one... lol..... like, it takes a lot of will power to do it without gagging.... but I can actually rub my tounsils with my finger without gagging. Well, ya see.... there's this white spot on my tounsils.... so I thought.... I wanna touch it and see what happens.... so I rubbed it and a little came off...... only, it won't all come off.... so I'm wondering what's up with my tonsils. I wish I could just get them removed. They just get in the way... I've got freakin huge tonsils. They suck. *debating on whether or not to take an extra excedrin*

But despite everything, I'm cheery today. Mostly because of various friends I talked to yesterday and today. Just in a good mood which is fabulous cause it hasn't happened for quite some time now.

AC isn't even all that prevelant on my mind, which is fabulous, cause I'm tired of thinking about her and what she did to me. Erin isn't much on my mind either, which is also good, cause I'm really confused about all of that lately and just how much she believes AC over me.

Welp.... that's enough for now.

Hmm..... well..... it's been.... 3 hours....... since I took medicine...... sure it says only take two in 24 hours.... but man, the migraine is still heavily there... it was a really bad one..... just.... one more I think will be all right. Heck, once I took 5 in 4 hours and I'm still alive and well.

What Type of Villain are You?
mutedfaith.com.


Find your Role-PlayingStereotype at mutedfaith.com.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.
for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

LOL... fun stuff.... meh, I don't think I'm borderline honestly. Yeah, I'm kinda paranoid, but then, at the moment, I have good reason to be. Yeah, I'm definately moderate schizotypal. Histrionic... a little.... but not all that much. Avoidant... lol, yes. Dependant.... umm.... I just feel the need to please.... I can get by without compliments. Obsessive-Compulsive.... lol, yes.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Test

Hooray!

For a new blog. I got tired of tripod, and tired of trying to hide my true thoughts. If I've given you this address, feel special, for I love and trust you deeply. If you've come upon it on your own... good luck... I'm kinda nuts.... and obsessive about... like... everything.... but I do have interesting thoughts now and then. Enjoy!